Elephant Larry is kind of proud to bring you a new regular column concerning feline upkeep, brought to you by the very well-meaning Jeff Solomon.
Hello, readers. My name is Jeff Solomon and I know cats. They are small with four legs and a funny tail that gets all curly when you try to grab it. I've wanted to write a cat column for several days now, so I am thrilled to finally get this opportunity. Never having owned a cat for every single one of my 23 years, I consider myself somewhat of an expert on the subject. And regardless of how many times people have asked me to write this column, I am finally going to start, so I hope to have a new information-clogged feature for you every 26 days or so (that's an Alphabet Month for the undereducated).
So, here's your chance, readers! Ask me the cat questions, and I'll give you the cat answers!
CAT CORNER VOLUME #1:
My dad asks:
Jeff-
As you know, I don't have my own pets, but I take care of two cats that reside in our neighborhood. Though I spend as much time with them as I can, I am afraid that one of these little guys is unhappy. I feed both of them the cat food recommended by my local pet shop, but sometimes, one of them ignores the food, and he often seems depressed and unclean. What would you suggest?
Dear Dad:
Feed this cat chocolate and soap.
======MEOW======
My mom, "Mom," writes:
Hey, Jeff- thanks for taking out the garbage last night. By the way, have you seen Romeo, the little sad cat? Dad's been looking for him all day and can't find him anywhere. Also, there was something odd in his food dish last night. What would you do to try to retrieve a lost cat?
Dear Mom:
What you have to remember about cats is that they are really cute. The easiest way to trap a cat is to leave a trail of teddy bears leading back to your home base. Cute can smell cute. The unassuming cat will frolic and play with each teddy bear along its path, as you slowly lure it into position. At the end of the trail, simply scoop up the cat and put it in a basket. Then you can give the basket to Dad and he'll probably hug you.
======PURR======
ASPCA asks:
Hey, Jeff, it's ASPCA. Have you considered placing some sort of a disclaimer on your website? You may want to strongly consider that. Very very strongly.
Dear Aspy:
This is a column about CATS. Please direct web questions to the webmaster. Duh.
======WOOF======
My dad writes:
Hey, Jeff, sorry to keep bothering you. Any word from Romeo? It's been 3 days and I still haven't seen him. Do you think it's the cat food, or maybe that I haven't been able to feed him at the same time every day? I really hope he comes back.
Dear Dad:
First of all, don't ever worry about bothering me. I am a cat columnist. This is my job now, to answer these cat questions. I do it proudly and with an enormous sense of self-importance. So don't worry; your cat queries (or catueries, if you like) are always welcome.
Like most creatures, cats do not have strong opinions on consistency in their eating rituals. They're pretty much down for eating whatever, whenever. So I wouldn't worry about that. He'll come back, 'cause he's almost definitely not dead. In the meantime, focus on the other neighborhood cat. Isn't he really adorable? I particularly love petting his eyes.
======HISS======
That's all the cat questions for now, but be sure to frequent this feline feature for furry fun every fucking month!
With love,
Jeff Solomon
Meow purfect features await. Click here to check 'em all out!
