Elephant Larry is kind of proud to present Issue #3 of a new regular column concerning feline upkeep, brought to you by the very well-meaning Jeff Solomon.
Did you know that the month of September was named after a beautiful cat?
Welcome back to Cat Corner, everyone! As you know, I am ten pounds of cat-lover in a ten-pound bag. I have made it my mission to get to the very bottom of cats, and that's what this column is all about; in fact, I have recently decided to rename this column "The Bottom of Cats."
[Ed. Note: No you have not.]
As you already know, there are well over 3 different species of cat, and until evolution finally stops, we are bound to see a few more species bouncing around. But if you think you're gonna have to wait a million years to see anything as crazy as a bouncing cat, think again. In fact, there are several oddball species roaming our land as we speak! Let's spend today's "TBOC" looking at a few psycho cats, shall we?
[Ed. Note: if TBOC means "The Bottom of Cats," you're seriously fired.]
Psycho Cat #1: The Long-Haired Long-Nosed Cat
This cat is actually becoming rather popular, despite its oversized head. I had never thought of owning a cat with such big floppy ears, but now that they are becoming such a hot trend, I must admit to having considered getting one for myself. I've got a couple of knit-picks, though:
- Sad Face. This level of emotional clarity is just a little too unrefined and uncatlike for my taste. The proper cat must retain an aura of mystery. Otherwise, how will we be able to stress out over whether or not they love us?
- Happy Tail. If the cat is sad, why does it flap its tail about like a slap-happy moron? This tail motion is completely unseductive and thus uncatlike. Also, if its tail is happy, why is the cat sad? To me, this is not catlike mystery. This is utter insanity.
Stupid Gonzo Cat #2: The Enormously Large and Powerful Cat
I've got a story about this cat. And you're gonna say, "Jeff, shut up shut up shut up!" But it's still gonna be true!
I was walking through Central Park last Wednesday, trying to teach myself to whistle, when all of sudden, this guy in a ski-mask ran right past me. He had what appeared to be an old lady's purse in his hand. And you know what? Not 5 seconds later, a policeman came chasing after him, riding one of these enormous cats!!! Holy Crap! A crime-fighting cat! I intend to buy 47 of these. Awesome.
Nightmare Demon Cat #3: The Two-Legged Underwater Cat
What the hell is this supposed to be? Pass.
Unbelievable Whack-Job Cat #4: The Triangle-Nosed Bouncing Cat
Who ever said Jeff Solomon doesn't come through on a promise? There you have it: a bouncing cat! You may not believe me, but this cat actually moves around by jumping from place to place. And you don't even have to tickle him or throw him or anything. He just likes to jump. This is a stupid cat. Also, he has a big white triangle-nose. Why? Ask him, because I have no idea.
Well, I just came back from a quick meeting with my editor, and in light of our conversation, I just wanted to close by thanking you lovable readers. I hope you enjoyed this issue of CAT CORNER as much as I like my job writing CAT CORNER. Thanks, and until next time, pet your amazing cat already!
Meow purfect features await. Click here to check 'em all out!
