Elephant Larry is kind of proud to present a special Halloween edition of its regular column concerning feline upkeep, brought to you by the very well-meaning Jeff Solomon.
Boo-Meow, cat-lovers! Do you feel the fur standing up on the back of you (or your cat's) neck? Mwa ha ha ha. All Hallow's Eve approacheth, and what better way is there to treat you and your cat than with a special Halloween edition of Cat Corner?! In this very scaaaryyy issue of C.C., I'll be answering the most ghoulish cat questions that I've (n)ever been asked! Mwa ha ha ha!!!
Monstrously Deformed Question 1:
Dear Jeff,
Can cats turn into vampires?
Love,
Dracula
Dear Dracula,
YES! BOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Too scared? Don't worry. It only gets scariiiiier!! Mwa ha ha ha!
Merciless Stabbing Question 2:
Dear Jeff,
I'm eating my cat in an attempt to live forever. Will this work?
Love,
Dr. Ian Sayne
Good Doctor,
Normally, I would weep woefully at this ghoulish act, but a very special and evil holiday is upon us, as you may know. So hear this, one and all: ON HALLOWEEN, THE DEAD SHALL RISE FROM THEIR GRAVES, AND ALSO IT IS OKAY TO EAT YOUR CAT! But I don't know if it'll make you live forever, sorry. Good luck!
Can't take anymore Halloween Horror? Too bad. You are under my zombie mind control to read further! Mwa ha ha!!!!
Dear Jeff,
I am attempting to reincarnate the soul of a Satanic Warrior Machine within my tabby kitten, Purrfecto. Any pointers?
Hate,
Monsieur Clawdini
Dear Mons. C,
How ghoud of you to ask! First of all, make sure that Purrfecto is on a steady diet of goblin fangs. And don't forget to pet your cat! Satanic Warrior Machine Incarnate or not, a cat is still a cat, and all cats are cute. [Speaking of which, do you happen to have any pictures of Purrfecto that you'd like to send me? I could use another tabby kitten for my photo album.]
Now then. In order to reincarnate a Satan thingy within your cat:
1. Put on some superscary music like the Grateful Dead.
2. If you have a cauldron, fill it with a lot of things and stir it.
3. Say magic words like "Elfqueen" and "forever."
4. Make sure your cat is in the room the whole time!
5. Have a buddy switch the lights on and off to make it look like it's thundering.
6. Finally, say something superhorrifying like "It's aliiive!" and then take lots of pictures of your cat. If you want to be in the pictures, make sure to have your buddy handle the camera.
You're all set! Have fun with your Satan!
Well, that just about wraps up the scariest article of all time! Hopefully, the evil spirits with vanish or go to White Castle or something and next time, I'll be back to answer all of your cat questions without being horribly, terrifyingly EVIL! Mwa ha ha ha!!
Happy Halloween from Cat Corner!
Meow purfect features await. Click here to check 'em all out!
