From Now On
by
Geoff Haggerty
OK, I am totally sick and tired of this. This has got to be, bar none, the most counterintuitive world I've ever lived in. It's crazy. I think things should be way easier so we don't have to think about them as much. That way we can just go about our lives and watch our DVD's in peace.
I suggest making the following changes immediately:
From now on, whales are fish.
Dolphins too. Duh! They swim in the water and look exactly like fish. They're fish.
From now on, tomatoes are vegetables.
Throughout my childhood I thought tomatoes were vegetables until someone told me they were fruits. I remain unconvinced, seeing as how we put them in our VEGETABLE SALADS.
From now on, thumbs are fingers.
If my brother asks me how many fingers he's holding up and I'm off by one one more time, I'm going to eat him.
From now on, I before E all the time.
There's nothing I like better than conditional mnemonic devices. I'm being sarcastic.
From now on, no more static electricity.
I was eating fast food the other day and when I slid the paper off my straw, it stuck to my hand. I was so confused I nearly vomited.
From now on, 30 days hath every single freaking month.
Ya know I might have been OK with this if there was any discernable logic involved. Like lumping all the 31 month days together, or alternating regularly. But no, two 31 month days back to back a 28 month day…forget it. Each month gets 30 days and we'll make an extra five day month at the end of every year and call it "Let's Take Five Days To Remember How Stupid We Were Month" or something.
From now on, penguins aren't birds.
Or they learn how to fly. Your call, penguins.
From now on, we will drive in driveways and park on parkways.
I mean change the names, not clog up major highways, smart guy.
From now on, the words flammable and inflammable will not be complained about.
If you break down "inflammable" to its root word, inflame, it still means setting something on fire. It's not that hard folks.
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